5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
How does one answer this?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke