5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.