5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
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My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Things will get butter, keep churning
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Ah..makes sense now
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?