[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
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(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
What?
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
meanwhile over on facebook
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!