[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
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Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
#NeverForget
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️