[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
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[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.