5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
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I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
This is me 🤣🤣
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless