@smilely_gal: 5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl's.
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@thenatewolf: I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like "oh wow maybe marriage is cool" and then the lady said "STOP BREATHING ON ME"
@markleggett: Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.
@YourTumblrFeed: Psychic: reads my mind My mind: waelcome to my kitchennnnnn…. We have bananis…… And avocadi
@BackrowSeats: When I watch The Walking Dead I can't help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.