@smilely_gal: 5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl's.
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@Coolisiana: *a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
@uMakeMeBad: At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you."
@wickedimproper: Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night: Sup, girl?