@smilely_gal: 5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl's.
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@DaddyBeerGuy: Hey dude, there's 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to... And now he's talking to me! Someone call 911!
@DancesWithTamis: Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they're the only person watching you
@Chumpstring: COP: step outta the car ME: k COP: got any drugs on u ME: nah COP: how about the car ME: wouldn't surprise me. it's been acting funny lately