5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Life hack
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*