5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Breaking news:
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Tremendous stuff
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.