5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
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Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I think the cat got the dog high.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*