Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
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john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My beach vacation Google searches
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.