Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
You Might Also Like
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.