*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Oh. My. God.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.