*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
He’s dead
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????