5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*