5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Science memes
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that