5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
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I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Never go to sleep after making me angry
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
When you pick your nose after dusting the house