5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
584.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.