Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Mornin
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
My favorite female superhero
cat faces on other animals, a thread
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?