*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.