5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
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Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.