I’ve had worse
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What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
This hospital has everything
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
SCARY COSTUME
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.