5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
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If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.