5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
plant them where lol
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now