5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much