5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
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Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White