5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion