5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
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*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
me: my friends:
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.