5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?