5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
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‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad