We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
buys donuts instead
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
scared to check what name she chose
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”