This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. Youâll probably get killed
6. Donât leave the house
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
ABRAHAM: You didnât get me anything for Fatherâs Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, letâs call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Iâm like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? â Pitch for prosciutto
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I just yelled, â1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!â and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. Iâm pretty sure Iâve peaked for the day.
Iâm not flirting with disaster, weâre eloping.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My kid, âmumma, what is âuâ doing in the spelling of a building?â.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Donât let anybody tell you differently
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
You can break your toddlerâs heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
when youâre a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF âyou need to relax!â
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week