What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.