Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
You Might Also Like
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I will never stop laughing at this
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”