5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.