5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Catering service
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.