5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
mariah carrie
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.