5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!