5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.