5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
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Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.