5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
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Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”