5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
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If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife