5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
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Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Yup.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Seems a bit forward
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.