5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
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BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My sex drive has a dui
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*