5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed