5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
You Might Also Like
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”