5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Can’t, holding a grudge
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣