[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
You Might Also Like
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.