[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
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First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.