[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
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I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
This anagram machine is out of order.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.