5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
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once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.