5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
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Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”