5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
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Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.