5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
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If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!